Snapshot

She leaves in her wake a flutter of construction paper fragments, like a flower girl. Mangled tape sticks to her shoe as she holds up a glue bottle for me to unclog. A paper crown pushes stray hair into her eyes. With a leap, she declares she’s going to make a crown for Daddy and give it to him when he comes home. For her, sequins are everyday wear and light-up shoes go with everything. Though she insatiably delights in all things princess, she is no prim and priss, better-than-thou member of the royal class. Her crown is of her own making, and if you come here often, you’ll get one too.

Hungry Hope

The walk through the gardens was too short for our conversation, so we sat down on a bench. A couple days prior, she had received the diagnosis. “You’re experiencing a medical scare, Katie” I stated, with ignorant confidence. “It’s frightening to be told that the doctors don’t know what to do. But you know that God knows what to do.” And then I gave her some obnoxious line about eating the asparagus if they told her to, so she wouldn’t have any regrets. If the cancer did get worse, at least it wouldn’t be from a lack of asparagus.

Quietly, she stared at the trees, and said, “This is a medical scare…I like that.” And she went on with her life. For months and months, she simultaneously received cancer treatment, worked part-time in our college ministry and part-time in an eating disorder residential program.

She refused to despair, even as the “medical scare” became a terminal diagnosis. She had a form of blood cancer that only about 400 people have ever had. How is that possible? Surely the treatment from some other type of cancer would work?

Fear was there, but she gave the best of herself to those around her. She loved to make little gifts out of paper, usually involving encouraging words and drawings of flowers. She was one whom our students would call when they were low or they’d drank too much to drive home. She lived onsite in the residential program, and talked of opening her own center one day. We often forgot she had cancer.

She did feel well most of the time, but there was once when she called me to come and bring over-the-counter medicine for an embarassing problem. She was crying in pain, and I had no idea what to say. She obviously needed her mom.

Not long after that, she moved home, and I didn’t get to see her much. Her parents became what everyone else wanted to be for her. We wanted to soften the blows and shield her from the storm. Her parents became the blankets she lay on and the tarp to cover her. And she clung to Christ to keep from despairing.

To live well through a time like that is to have your heart turned inside out, so the raw, vulnerable parts are exposed. Some may take sleeping pills and watch daytime TV to make it through. I’m sure Katie watched her fair share of The Price is Right, but she remained very clear-eyed and honest. When hope is present, it’s a strange sort of pain, not at all like bleeding from a wound. Her physical life was rapidly wasting away, but inwardly, it was different.

Athanasius, in the fourth century, reported as proof of the resurrection of Christ that fathers, mothers, children, and youth would more readily die for Christ than deny him. How could they face death with actual hope if there were not a living, resurrected Jesus at work in their lives? Some may say that hope is a flimsy thing. Maybe they’ve only seen a shadow or a replica. Real hope is an animal, fierce and growing.

The doctors started a last-ditch effort which entailed a long hospital stay. Chemotherapy can turn a young woman old in a matter of weeks. When I went to see her, her hair was patchy, her face skeletal, and she rolled her head in my direction rather than lifting herself in the bed. I breathed in and tried to hide my shock.

She asked with chapped lips and a paltry voice, “How is Judah enjoying Kindergarten? I bet he’s charming them all.” And she asked after my other kids and my husband. 

I had brought her a gift that I’d just made that afternoon. A stack of notecards on a small photo easel. On each notecard, written as large and pretty as I could manage, were phrases from Colossians 1. My idea was that she could put one up each day to encourage her while she recovered.

Instead, she hungrily grabbed the whole stack and began to read them out loud. “The Son is the image of the invisible God.” After each one she would close her eyes and breathe, drinking in the words. “In him all things were created.” “He is before all things.” “He holds all things together.” After this one, she began to weep and wail with longing.

I watched as the truth on those cards fed the hope within her. She seemed to consume the message like a field laborer eats a hearty meal after a long harvest day.

I won’t say that she wasn’t grieved about leaving this life. She mourned the loss of time with her nieces especially, and her parents and siblings and fiancé. But the thought of being with Christ was too precious to her to really regret leaving so soon.

Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. -Luke 6:21

Approaching Habit Change as a Whole Person

Unrelated photo that made me smile. Thanks to Lex Aliviado on Unsplash.

The things that ought to be done seem the hardest to do. More or less, this is a perennial human problem. The things that don’t need to be done are so much more appealing.

Some of us are perpetual procrastinators. We look at the important things on our to-do list and, almost by instinct, our eyes bounce to the shorter, simpler tasks.

Some of us walk a darker path. Our motivations are trained on the forbidden, and our we find ourselves frighteningly boxed in by destructive habits. But still, we don’t “feel like” changing our ways.

We can say with David, “my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me” (Psalm 40:12). Many have cried out for God’s deliverance and have experienced his help. But often we slip back into our old ways. Or, we have implemented a practical plan for change, but have been unable to sustain the habits.

The new year – and in this case, the new decade — gets us thinking about how we’d like to improve our lives. Now is the time to kick the bad habits and start the new lifestyle we’ve been eyeing from a distance. What is holding you back? What makes it so difficult?

Two worlds at work

The truth is, we live in two worlds, and any succesful approach to change will acknowledge that. We live in the obvious, tangible world around us. But another, less defined but more powerful world influences us as well. It’s the realm of the unseen, the spiritual, the emotional; it’s the person that you are even if your body changes completely. It’s hard to define, although many seek to clarify it.

Solutions for lifestyle changes often emphasize one reality over the other. “Change your environment to make habit change easier” – this seeks to fix the physical world, but ignores the spiritual. “Be set free from the bonds of sin, and your life will reflect your heart change” – this acknowledges the power of the spiritual but minimizes the practical reality.

We tend to feel more comfortable boiling the issue down to one area, especially one area we have not tried to address before. We seek the missing element that has made positive change so elusive.

In truth, our lives are an interweaving of the two realms. They are inseparable and interdependent.

Our thoughts are the intersection

Perhaps the place where the two worlds interconnect most directly is in our conscious thoughts. For this reason, psychology and self-help methods seek to influence our manner of thinking, to access both the unseen condition within us as well as our day-to-day actions.

If you have bounced from one method of lifestyle change to another, trying to find the plan that will work for you, consider a more integrated approach.

You are a whole being: body, soul, mind, and spirit. Your past experiences, your future hopes, and your present environment all infuence your choices.

The chief command in both Judaism and Christianity is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might” (Deuteronomy 6:4). We must bring all of ourselves to the table in order to fully love God, love those around us, and live the way we’re designed to live.

How to integrate both worlds

So here are some practical ideas for integrating both the unseen and the seen in your life, whether you’re trying to start a new habit or get unstuck from an old way of living.

  1. Say “thank you” to God for 5 things outside of you and 5 things inside of you. (For example, thank him for providing a home for you, and thank him being with you always.)
  2. Consider the various attempts you’ve made to change in the past. What has worked, even if it was temporary? What has helped you to improve even slightly? Think about how the internal and external world have played a role in those attempts.
  3. Visualize yourself on a journey toward the lifestyle you want. Every tiny attempt you make is a step in the right direction. As you journey, you are growing stronger as a person – this is the unseen realm. You also are learning to use tools to help you – this is the physical realm. Express gratitude for the ways your journey has shaped you and for the tools you’ve gained. Ask God for the strength and the tools you’ll need going forward.
  4. Ask someone to pray for the practical stuff. Often, we keep our prayer requests really vague and make them sound holy. We might say, “I want to honor God with my finances,” but what we really mean is, “I plan to give and save more this year, but I’m a habitual overspender. I need God’s help.” Be specific and honest with trusted people.
  5. Think of the times when you deny yourself or do something hard as little gifts to God or to your loved ones. You can even set a timer and say to yourself, “Because I love God, who made my body, I’m going to wait 20 minutes to let this craving pass.” Or write a note, “Dear God, I wanted to demand an apology from my coworker today, but I let it go. That was for you.”

The idea is to integrate your perception of where change comes from. It’s true that your heart needs to change in order for your life to change. That is the unseen world influencing the seen. At the same time, you are continually influenced by the world around you, no matter how strong you are on the inside.

So as you’re seeking out change for this new decade, resist the temptation to boil down your efforts in one realm or the other. You are a whole person. You have the opportunity to love God with your whole self and to share your whole self with others.

What some days are like: raw edition

“The inbound train is an express train and it will not stop.”

I hear the station’s announcement system over the piano and strings playing in my earbuds. Sure enough, the train shuttles through quietly. At the intersection of the tracks and the road, red and white bars have previously lowered themselves without ceremony. Lights flash on and off without sound.

The piano in my ears arpeggiates in rolling consistency, almost in time with the chug of the train. It’s a short train, just a few cars of busy people who live in the far out suburbs of Chicago. They ride the express to their high-paying jobs while it is light in the morning. On their way home, their seats on the train will be lit with a greenish glare, revealing their heads bent down at 45 degrees, both absorbed and bored by their cell phones.

Behind the train rises a clutter of litter. One piece of white something rises above, caught in a current. It whips around with surprising grace, tracing after the route of the train until it passes out of my view.

The violin and cello rasp in their comforting earthy way, and tears freeze on my cheeks.

After my dad died, I felt like I had been shouting at a locomotive. The will of God would not stop for me and my childish voice. The sovereign path of the Almighty was predecided and nothing I could say would change that.

It’s been four and a half years since I sat on the steps in my backyard and mentally watched the locomotive go by. And I told God I felt like he hadn’t heard me.

It only took a few months for me to see myself as a passenger on the train again. Maybe I didn’t have the authority to call for a stop at any given station, but I was en route to where God was going. I knew my work as a missionary had purpose and my goals were more or less seated in the expectation of his Kingdom advancing.

I still expect the Kingdom to come, but without explictly working for that end, it’s hard to know where I stand, or sit, or ride. Getting off the missionary train has meant that I sleep more, spend more time with my kids, and feel a lot more confused about my life.

Today, I know less than ever. I’m like the white something fluttering noiselessly behind the express train. God is going somewhere. I want to go too.

Untitled, for now.

Today I noticed the little nest is gone. Outside the kitchen windows of our rental home, there are three wooden perches built for birds to nest in. This summer, when we moved into this home, our whole family watched attentively as a robin settled into a prebuilt nest. She spruced it up a bit and laid her fabulously fragile eggs. She hovered obsessively over them, and after they hatched, she fed them with religious consistency. After a week or two, the baby birds would stick out their necks and circle their heads around wildly in search of food until their mother fed them and sat on them. Then one day, the birds were gone.

This fall, my ten-year-old son and I have enjoyed the antics of a particular squirrel who frequents the now barren bird perches. One day, the squirrel sat there shivering with his tail draped inadequately over his back. John couldn’t stand watching him without offering him succor. He wanted to get him a blanket, but I told him there was no way it would work. The squirrel would run away before letting a human put a blanket on him.

Last week, I noticed the squirrel had placed a few bulky nuts in the dried out nest. I told John about it when we were headed off somewhere in the van. “It’s like he said to himself, ‘oh what a nice little basket for my nuts.'” John chuckled with appreciation at my humanizing the squirrel’s inner monologue. And I felt this: who else in my whole life would have found that funny? It was a moment of friendship.

Today the nest is gone. It probably toppled out of its perch, unable to hold onto the oversized nuts. I feel a little regret, because I’m not sure if John got to see the squirrel’s little basket.

I will try to remember to ask him. I will try to remember how the chuckle sounded when I told him and the way his shoulders shook a little. He’s almost a preteen and more often than not, his reactions seem chosen. Like there is a shelf of ways to laugh, emphatic expressions, and disinterested shrugs. They are the right ways to act when one hears something funny or epic or lame.

He has always desired what is right. And I know he has to obssess for a while about being thought of as “right” by his peers, whose acceptance is a discombobulated puzzle. Please God, let him have seen the funny little basket of nuts so we can both remember the simple squirrel and the mama bird who knew when her babies were grown.

Two new articles

I’ve had the privilege of writing for the Assemblies of God’s magazine, Influence, which is geared toward ministry leaders throughout the U.S. This article is a reflection on the many times I sensed God highlighting misdirected motivations in my devotional life.

Choose this day whom (your devotional life) will serve

Don’t spill your coffee, girlfriend.

I also did some research on kids and stress. It seemed like my kids were acting funnier than usual as school approached, and I wanted to understand the ways kids express stress differently from adults. The trickiest thing is both disciplining misbehavior and meeting their emotional needs all at once.

Signs your elementary kid might be stressed out

Not my kid, but she looks like she’s doing a great job.

Have a wonderful week, everybody!

Babies cry

One could argue that babies are the most human of us all. They act on instinct and impulse. They are the most animal, let’s say. They’re the most in touch with their humanity in its earthly, primal form

And babies cry. The average healthy baby under 6 weeks cries around 3 hours per day (according to BabyCenter.com, which lines up with my experience in this case!) This mostly happens in short bursts, gratefully, but its true whether the baby is cared for well or not. Probably neglected babies cry more, at least for a while.

Crying is the chief method of communication for infants. They can’t say please and thank you, they can’t give intelligent signs to make a polite request. Even if they are in a comfy spot with a dry diaper and a loving family, when they get hungry, they will cry.

This is good for parents, because that’s how we know they’re in need. If they mitigated their crying out of a reasonable sense of gratitude for their pleasant lot in life, they might not get fed much.

All of this is relevant to me personally, because ever since we moved, I’ve been crying like a baby about once per week. So the newborns have got me beat with their 3 hours per day.

I keep feeling like I should be more grateful, and shouldn’t need to cry or feel the intense emotions that lead to these waterworks. I have so much of what I wanted—a rest from ministry, loads of family time, a pleasant and comfortable house. I even have a place to hang laundry that’s not my bedroom, which was a little add-on prayer request I made when we were searching for homes. I hadn’t thought to ask for the glorious sunroom in which I now sit writing.

Other things that warrant my surprised gratitude: We live so close to Lake Michigan that I spend time with it every day. My husband and I are going on a date tonight. Three people introduced themselves to me at church today.

That’s just some of the new stuff in my life that I’m grateful for. There are treasures so often enjoyed that their names have worn off. But I remember them: Healthy Children. Loving Husband. Unending Life in Christ. Wisdom from God. Parents who Taught me Truth. Friendship with my Siblings.

What right do I have to cry about anything, when my life is so replete with blessings? I have the same right as a well-cared-for newborn. I am happy about all the good things, and I cry about the following: want of certainty, fear of failing, loss of normalcy, distant friends. Being well-cared-for doesn’t cancel out my need to express these wants.

I imagine it would be better if I didn’t cry or feel the low feelings that crowd around my tears. But if I didn’t cry, would I know I had those wants, hidden under the surface as they are? Would I bring those requests to God? Would I recognize when God brought the answer?

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”